Undeserving
by Izzu
Summary: Gu Family Book: Looking at her child and realising the grave mistake she had done, Seo Hwa decided to end it all.


Undeserving  
by Izzu

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The child seemed to be oblivious of the ill feelings that surrounded him. Seo Hwa wasn't sure if that was a good thing. His own mother had tried to kill him, yet the child did not resent her.

_"I can't tell. What his face looked like. What his eyes looked like. How he used to smile..."_

Lies. The memories did came back to her, even for just a moment. The moment she was about to deliver, the whole time she struggled in pain to bring her son out into this world; everything had flashed back into her mind. But she could not recall all of those memories again once it was over.

She wondered if it was her guilt, that prevented her from recalling every single memories she had of Wol Ryung. She wouldn't be surprised if that was so, it was after all her fault that Wol Ryung died. If she haven't ventured out into the forest alone, if she had let Wol Ryung accompany her... things wouldn't have to end like this. Wol Ryung would have been able to make himself become human and she wouldn't have to find out that he was a fox spirit. Both of them would have been able to lead a happy, normal life...

Seo Hwa turned towards her child.

_"I couldn't see you in grief..."_

Why hadn't she understood his love before? For someone who never asked her anything about her past and so willing to protect her from harm, Wol Ryung didn't deserve to fall in love with her. He deserved someone better, someone that was not her. Why did he fell in love with her? Someone undeserving as herself...

Wol Ryung lied about Dam and Yoon because he wanted to protect her. Since he must have known that if she'd found out about their death, she'd want to end her life as well. Wol Ryung must have loved her so much that he couldn't bear losing her.

Wol Ryung...

_"I told him to stab your heart with that. He could have been safe if he stabbed you with that..."_

Wol Ryung had loved her so much, that he rather die than killing her to save his own life. Wol Ryung chose her, someone not worthy of his love. She wished now that he could have killed her instead.

"Your father must have protected you, child. Then and Now. Not wanting to kill me. Making the moonlight shine over you to stop me from doing a terrible thing. To show me that you're not a monster. To show me that _he's_ not a monster."

Tears started flowing from her eyes.

Even after all that she'd done, Wol Ryung still wanted her to live. No, she didn't deserve to live. Her child do, he was innocent in all of this but she lost the right to care for the child. If there was anyone who must care for her child, it must not be her. After all that she had done, she even lost the right to seek revenge against Jo Kwan Woong. She's undeserving to be receiving Wol Ryung's love... or even becoming the mother of his child. She deserved to die... yet she didn't deserve to rest by her lover's side.

Seo Hwa grabbed a piece of parchment to explain everything to So Jung when he returned later. Because she would not remain to care for her child. Her child doesn't deserve to have a mother like her. Whose unthinkable action had caused the child's father to die. Even until her death she should not be forgiven, she would refuse even this child's forgiveness till the end.

She regretted. Now that Wol Ryung was no longer around, she yearned for him. She wished for time to be turned backwards, even if it was impossible. She wished that she never met him, that she died tied to that shame tree. Then Wol Ryung would have still be alive.

How she had deprived the world of the kindest soul she'd ever met. How could she be so weak, and not trusting the husband that she loved with her whole heart? How could she betray him? And that time... Wol Ryung only reverted to his true form when he thought she was in danger...

The more she thought back on her betrayal, the more she tried to recall all of the kindness and gentleness that Wol Ryung had shown her; the more her heart felt torn from her chest. Because he loved her, Wol Ryung wanted to become human. If only she had more faith in Wol Ryung, he would have still be safe. As she stared towards her child, the more she could recall Wol Ryung's face—his voice—but it's too late now for her. No matter what she do now, Wol Ryung won't return. Even if she killed herself now...

The child started to cry again as Seo Hwa stopped in her actions. She had wanted to leave before So Jung could come back to check on them. She cried.

"No, child. You don't need me, I'm not worthy to become your mother!"

The child started to cry louder as Seo Hwa hastily lifted him up to feed him. Tears kept flowing onto her cheeks as her child held on to her fondly. She sobbed silently as she lamented her cursed fate.

xxx

She gently placed her sleeping child on top of the stone bed as she put her letter beside the child. So Jung would return soon so she had to leave before that. There was something else that she needed to do before leaving this world...

Seo Hwa picked up the hawthorn blade and slowly walked away.

Even if it was unlikely her task right now would even succeed, she would still attempt to deliver her curse towards that enemy, Jo Kwan Woong. Her child should not have to bear with this grudge, let him live as a normal human being... just like how Wol Ryung would have wanted.

For now, she would cast her curse towards the fiend that caused the downfall of her family, her husband and herself.

The only wish this undeserving girl had remained.

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az: It's something I have wanted to do ever since watching ep 2-3. I wanted to write about Seo Hwa as I refused to believe her love for Wol Ryung would be so shallow. Or that her love for her child was none. As some would view her.

I have been asked this before. If you don't know what series this is from Google is your friend.


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